Report: ETP v. ShadowD in MalkChess Grudge Match (includes log, long)

Beyond Dominia: The Rumor Mill: Report: ETP v. ShadowD in MalkChess Grudge Match (includes log, long)

By Shadow (Shadow) on Friday, November 16, 2001 - 06:52 pm:

Well, it was a tough game, but a fair game. I was going to play against skryb, but he left for some reason, so I forced ETP to play instead. First time for him, I think it was. Given that, he did admirably well, but experience just won out in the end. I did find-replace [ for , so I hope it came out alright.

Pleasent reading,


*** ShadowD is now known as ZivPropht
[fragment_] Hello Nurse
[ZivPropht] Hello, son.
*** ETP (e***p@5*** has joined #bdchat
[ZivPropht] So you up for a game, then?
[HavoKDarK] sup ETP
[ETP] hello havok
*** skryb (d***c@k*** has joined #bdchat
[fragment_] So, what's up in the Mecca known as bdchat]
[ZivPropht] Mecca?!
[upror] lol
[ZivPropht] I haven't been there in a while...
[upror] you 20 year olds...
[ZivPropht] they kicked me out, last time
[ZivPropht] peeing on the roses or something
[fragment_] What, you guys don't consider this a Mecca?
[ETP] its more of a "ditch of congregation" than a mecca
[skryb] mecca: is that because u look at it 5x a day, for 5 minutes each time?
[ZivPropht] well, I pray to #bdchat five times a day
[ZivPropht] grah
[ETP] heh
[skryb] SPIKULA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*** Kaewt (k***c@c*** has joined #bdchat
*** ChanServ sets mode: +v Kaewt
*** intrepidX (fami[email protected]) has joined #bdchat
* ZivPropht goes postal on the squirrels
[ZivPropht] Damn rodents keep trying to steal my mail
* KrmtDfrog - Shadowmage Infiltrator, Call of the Herd, Playable Commons, stuff... [--- yes I'm blatantly breaking the rules and will ban myself for 6 hours for this (yes, I will also be at work for the next 6 hours)
[ZivPropht] well blast, I was hoping spike## was gonna play chess
[fragment_] anyone up for some t1? *Ahem* Anyone except acolytec up for some t1? He's an Oath-playing bitch. :)
[ZivPropht] Let's see, I think you're supposed to use a board or something...
[ZivPropht] he's playing oath? you should fubulate him
[ETP] fragment: what kind of a bitch are you?
[ETP] hrmm.. that came out rude
[ETP] sorry
[ETP] what deck do you play
*** KrmtDfrog has quit IRC (Quit: [_0AXAL] When does the tourney start [RF|Riot] I don't know [_0AXAL] I asked you a yes or no question you fkin idiot)
[ZivPropht] ETP is an acronemic bitch
[ETP] ETP is an assortment of types of bitch
[fragment_] .me is a diverse bitch
*** spike85 sets mode: +o ETP
[ZivPropht] oh no!
* fragment_ is a deverse bitch
[ZivPropht] he's a bitch with power!
[ETP] currently im 20% suicide black 40%white weenie, 30% UR aggro and 10% milk
[ETP] fear.
* fragment_ is an OSE bitch, a NetherVoid bitch, a Stacker Bitch.. and a few other bitches depending on this bitch's mood.
[ETP] ic
[skryb] ZivPropht, i play chess
[ETP] stacker rules
[ETP] although my versions of tubbies never got the same respect as jp's
* ZivPropht 20% finger-licking-good 30% reserved-as-future-site-for-Gates-family-summer home and 50% artificial flavoring
[ETP] lol
[skryb] ZivPropht, i play chess .. wanna try me out?
[spike85] ROFL
[upror] why?
[ZivPropht] you play chess, do you, sure. Let's do it right here right now, baby.
[skryb] ZivPropht, i play a bit of chess .. wanna try me out?
[skryb] ZivPropht, i play a bit of chess .. wanna try me out?
[skryb] ZivPropht, i play a bit of chess .. wanna try me out?
*** Mattaway (Mt***t@7*** has joined #bdchat
[ZivPropht] what color do you want?
[skryb] go to
[ZivPropht] why?
[ZivPropht] are they selling pron there or something?
[skryb] there's heaps of chess rooms there .. i'll meet ya
[Pinko] anyone for a game?
[ZivPropht] no no no
[ZivPropht] this room will do just fine
[ETP] can i be a rook
[ZivPropht] yes!
[skryb] lol, shoulda known it's shadowd
[ETP] :)
[skryb] nobody else is chicken here in #bd-idle
[ZivPropht] I am ShadowD's secret Siamese twin
[ETP] are siamese twins exactly the same looking?
[ZivPropht] I do not look anything like that scum
[ETP] thank heavens
[ZivPropht] For one thing, I do not sweat through my tongue
[ETP] i hear he looks like a dog
[ETP] heh
[ZivPropht] I also do not have "paws"
[ZivPropht] So, skryb, I'll go first
[ZivPropht] lessee
[ZivPropht] I'll move ETP to the lobby, and enstate him as secretary, so he can answer my calls
[ZivPropht] your move
* ETP looks at the phone wondering why it refuses to ring
* ETP hopes ZivPropht does like hitting on his secretary
* Island|J2 slaps ETP around a bit with a large non-specified fish.
[ETP] lol
[ETP] i meant doesnt
[ZivPropht] If you don't want to play, Skryb, I'm sure I can find somebody else...
[ETP] but oh well
[ZivPropht] I'll give him...sixty seconds
* ETP gets ZivPropht a coffee while he waits
[ZivPropht] at which point, I will perhaps, demote ETP to opponent
*** intrepidX has quit IRC (Quit: )
[ETP] gah
[ZivPropht] have you ever played chess, servile idiot?
[ETP] lol
[ETP] yes
[ZivPropht] You know the Malkavian rules?
[ETP] but usually with a board and actual pieces
[ETP] no
[ZivPropht] oh, well, there's just one
[ZivPropht] though it changes sometimes
[ZivPropht] last time I think it was "Keep it above the belt"
*** Pinko has quit IRC (Quit: )
* Radagast rolled a really big hex die: 6CADC4EC8F
[ZivPropht] But then you can do circum-etc.s
[ZivPropht] can't, rather
[ZivPropht] ok, ETP, you up for the challenge?
[ETP] not really
[ZivPropht] gah!
[ZivPropht] Why does the world frieking REFUSE to revolve around me
[ZivPropht] maybe it needs a little more torque...
[ETP] i thinks the oil is low
* ZivPropht torques the world like there's no tomorrow
[ZivPropht] hmm
[ETP] um... so how do i play this "chess"
[ZivPropht] however you would like
[ETP] ic
*** HavoKDarK has quit IRC (Quit: )
[ETP] and the object is?
[ZivPropht] there are x pieces, and there are y directions to move them in, and z seconds until blastoff
[ETP] alright.. ill play
[ZivPropht] I forget the object; I'll probably remember half-way through or so
[ZivPropht] Okay, I'll move the volume up on my speakers, to drown out that noise in the background: "Take out the garbage"
[ZivPropht] your move
[ETP] ill move Radagast two steps towards the afformentioned z in an attempt to set the time before blastoff to 3
*** Mattaway (Mt***t@7*** has left #bdchat
[ZivPropht] hmmm
[ZivPropht] clever
* ZivPropht lights Radagast's tail with his Bic (TM) Lighter
[Radagast] hmm?
[ZivPropht] nothing, just taking my move
[Radagast] oh
[Radagast] ok then
[ZivPropht] oh, I'll see you in a few years, btw
[ETP] i turn skryb into pure water and vinegar and splash him thouroughly at Radagast to extinguish the fire
* ZivPropht puts his fingers in his ears
[ZivPropht] agh!
[ZivPropht] oh well
[SpectralS] you bastard
[ZivPropht] hmm
* SpectralS beats upror with a 376 card deck
[upror] oops
[upror] heh
[ETP] heh
[upror] try again?
[SpectralS] err... i should be working right now, heh
[ZivPropht] Take my pawns to the NYSE and exchange half of them for stock in BB&T
[ZivPropht] .
*** iron-fist (g***h@7***7.1) has joined #bdchat
[ETP] i move the london symphony orchestra into a small unlabeled tube and wait for my trap to be sprung
[SpectralS] wtf?!
* ZivPropht meddles with space-time
[ZivPropht] .
* ETP shifts into the nth dimension, sidestepping time and space completely
*** Island|J2 is now known as IslandBRB
* ZivPropht applies mathematical induction to the multiverse, renormalizing space-time, ETP, and his bank account to include $2x10^18 in interest from his stocks
[upror] [16:52] [kakkarot] but still, you have to deal with 100 or so whining little kids saying "I cast the (fill-in-the-blank) spell on you!!!"
[upror] sounds like magic
[ETP] i move upror into the head offices of BB&T, depleted the value of your stocks while you were too busy with mathematical confusion techniques
[ZivPropht] hmmm
[ZivPropht] 1x10^11, then
[ZivPropht] whatever
[ETP] damn
*** Lord_Fril has quit IRC (Ping timeout for Lord_Fril[])
[ZivPropht] still enough to buy a Stealth Bomber
*** IslandBRB is now known as Island|J2
* ZivPropht buys a Stealth Bomber
*** upror has quit IRC (Quit: [RedACE] I'm taking Binary 10101)
[ETP] hrmm
[ZivPropht] One of my bishops is a pilot.
* ETP moves Radagast one more step closer to z
*** Squirrel (c***c@a*** has joined #bdchat
*** Barktooth has quit IRC (Excess Flood)
* ZivPropht summons Teferi's Advocate, who eats all of the knights on the board.
*** Barktooth (a***j@s*** has joined #bdchat
* ETP turns ziv into a knight
[ETP] ?
[ETP] having trouble deciding your next move?
[ZivPropht] ig
[ZivPropht] oh
[ZivPropht] sorry
[ZivPropht] stepped out for a bit
[ETP] k
[ETP] was that your move?
[ZivPropht] uh
[ZivPropht] sure
* ZivPropht galloped around outside
[ChanServ] Barktooth requested OP for barktooth.
*** ChanServ sets mode: +o Barktooth
* ETP waits for Teferis Advocate to eat Ziv
[ZivPropht] she already left
[ETP] damnit
* ZivPropht converts himself into Ebola, just to be safe
[ZivPropht] I hope one of your remaining pawns in the CDCC
[ETP] i press the hidden button which unleashes the london symphony orchestra from the tube, hidden inside your very own stealth bomber!!!
[ZivPropht] !!!
*** spike85 is now known as spike|BRB
[ETP] i knew you would be too concerned with safety to recognise the tube of symphony as a true threat haha!
[ETP] check.
[ZivPropht] Ack, *struggles*. *Uses walkie-talky to summon his Bishops, who work for Jerry Falwell.
*** ZivPropht is now known as Falwelite
[Falwelite] MUSIC IS SATAN!
[Falwelite] We have disfigured your orchestra so they are only able to play hymns and Hungarian Skinning Chants
* ETP punches falwell in the belly to we breathes in ZivPropht and gets ebola
*** Falwelite is now known as E-Bola
* E-Bola kills Falwell, before he gets out of hand
*** E-Bola is now known as ZivPropht
*** Hannibal (c***c@0***1.99) has joined #bdchat
* ETP sends Hannibal to give the eulogy for falwell.. its so terrible that falwells influence on the orchestra is broken... check agian.
* ZivPropht puts his earmuffs on
[ETP] gah!!!
[ZivPropht] and on his pieces too
[Hannibal] did falwell die?
* ETP dismantles the now useless orchestra and sets their families on fire for treason
[ZivPropht] Hannibal, Yes, I killed him when ETP turned me into Ebola
[ZivPropht] hmmm
*** Squirrel has quit IRC (Quit: 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star. 65% know that Mexico is part of the U.S.)
[ZivPropht] The fires have attracted my other rook, who is a pyromaniac named Leroy. He also happens to be an assassin for InterPol.
[ZivPropht] He snuck behind your lines during the night
* ETP erases all the lines and replaces them with shades of blue
* ZivPropht trades a pawn to the Lakers for Daimon Wayans
[ZivPropht] DaiMon Wayans, excuse me
[ETP] heh
[ZivPropht] The Ferengi comedian
[SpectralS] hrmmm
[ETP] i move radagast one more step forward, finally reaching z.. check again.
[ZivPropht] hmmm
* ZivPropht quickly and deftly hands Radagast an engaging 200,000 page novel which distracts him for a long long time
[ETP] haha!!!
[ETP] fool!
[ETP] Radagast can't Read!!
[ZivPropht] yes he can!
[ETP] damn
[SpectralS] I'm thinking that the stupid magic thing fucked up my system... my firewall crashes when i load it, and now stuff won't load =(
[ZivPropht] my Queen is a teacher, and she taught him
[ETP] always one step ahead
[ETP] I move Daimon Wayans into a bottomless ditch
[ZivPropht] By night, my Queen is a Drag Queen. My Drag Queen does the booty dance for your king. Check.
[SpectralS] =(
[ETP] hrmm
*** SpectralS has quit IRC (Quit: )
[ETP] i turn skryb from water and vinegar to pure alchohol and splash him at your queen, prompting Leroy the pyromaniac assassin to set her on fire
[ZivPropht] nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
[Kaewt] anyone in here play FFIX?
*** [-_-] has quit IRC (Read error to [-_-][]: Connection reset by peer)
[Island|J2] eep
[ZivPropht] Leroy was her lover. you bastard.
[ZivPropht] he'll get you for this
[ETP] lol
*** ZivPropht is now known as Leroy
[Leroy] AH!!! What have I DONE!
[Leroy] I've set my beloved boopsy-baby on fire!
[Leroy] This cursed condition, I'll best it yet!
* Leroy slaughters some pieces in anger.
[Island|J2] eep
[Island|J2] eep
[Island|J2] eep
[Leroy] hmmm, Leroy isn't a registered nick...
* ETP moves Barktooth into a sailor moon outfit, giving Leroy a new love for life.. he settles down and tries repeatedly to start a family
[Leroy] wow
[Leroy] good move.
[ETP] thanks
*** Leroy is now known as ZivPropht
[ZivPropht] wasn't expecting that one...
[ZivPropht] lesse, what's the score?
[ETP] 56 to R... i think im R
[ZivPropht] ok
* ZivPropht passes.
[ETP] oooh
[ETP] crafty
*** [-_-] (l***o@l*** has joined #bdchat
[ZivPropht] hello face
[ZivPropht] Chess is a specator sport
[[-_-]] thanks for the tip
[Island|J2] chess != a spectator sport
[Island|J2] !cack ZivPropht
[ZivPropht] says you
[ETP] i move face diagonnaly toward the horizon in an attempt to destroy the sun
[ZivPropht] hmmm
[Island|J2] any chance of a cacking?
[ZivPropht] ???
[ZivPropht] what's that?
[ZivPropht] some new teenage dance?
[CF] I'd rather watch myself grow mold than a chess game ;)
[Island|J2] that's what should happen when someone types !cack nick
[ZivPropht] hmm
* ZivPropht watches CF grow mold, then uses his poisonous spores to kill face
[ETP] bah!
[ETP] i make you grow a soul, forcing you to come to terms with the damage you have created
[ZivPropht] *cries*
[ZivPropht] *comes to grips*
[ZivPropht] *kills a pawn*
[ETP] i move faces dead, spore filled body one step closer to the sun.. the heat is making him stink
[ZivPropht] I don't like the looks of this
[ZivPropht] dammit, if only I could remember that gambit from the '37 championships
[ZivPropht] this may take a sec
[ETP] k
[ZivPropht] hmm, I think I have half of my pawns, one bishop, and the King still in commission.
[ZivPropht] The King?!
*** Ironchef (Ir***c@d*** has joined #bdchat
[ZivPropht] where?!!
[ZivPropht] I trick everybody into running around looking for Elvis.
* ETP cuts the top off one of his pawns to make a makeshift checkers piece whichs hops over all other pieces searching for elvis so my other pieces can remain calm
[ZivPropht] My other pawns are Elvis impersonators, and my bishop hates Elvis.
[ZivPropht] so
[ZivPropht] hm
[Ironchef] 1.X any1?
[ZivPropht] I get Satan on the phone, and I agree to sell Leroy's soul in exchange for another queen.
[ZivPropht] no wait
[ZivPropht] my soul
[ZivPropht] it was becoming a hindrence
[ETP] while you are on the phone i manage to switch the chess board for a risk board and take both europe and canada
[ZivPropht] brb
[ETP] k
*** Ironchef has quit IRC (Quit: )
[ZivPropht] My Bishop is Schwartzkoff, and one of my Pawns is Patton
[ETP] ewww
[ZivPropht] We take Australia, Asia, and most of the U.S.
[ETP] i entangle Schwartzzkoff and Patton in a war against the european tabloids, which they can never win.. and as such puplic opinion drops to such levels that they actually de-evolve
[ZivPropht] ugh
*** skryb has quit IRC (Read error to skryb[]: Connection reset by peer)
*** skryb (d***c@k*** has joined #bdchat
[ZivPropht] I fight my way all the back to the Australian border, but hold your forces off there. Fortunately, The King and his remaining impersonators sing Jail House Rock. That gets us all of the vicious criminals that colonized Australia. Also, one of the pawns is Jane Goodal, and she amasses a tremendous army of kangaroos (which are really brutal beasts).
[ETP] i send iron-fist two steps back in time, where he rewrites the rules of risk, making Australia, Asia and most of the U.S. entirely insignificant in terms of points and troop allotments.
[ZivPropht] My kangaroos and criminals are not concerned with rules. They eat the board.
[ZivPropht] check
[ETP] i inform iron-fist that while he is back in time to include a rule about the risk boards being manufactured out of a combination of congealed mountain dew and cyanide. killing your raving maniacs and animals
* ETP tries to remember not to lick his own fingers, having handled that board without gloves
[ZivPropht] Leroy, through his Interpol connections, has discovered that iron-fist is your king, and also that he is a blue mage. I mull over this information.
*** [-_-] has quit IRC (Excess Flood)
*** [-_-] (l***o@l*** has joined #bdchat
[ETP] iron-fist casts misdirect, and the information never gets to you
[ETP] in related news he removed a fact or fiction to pay the alternate cost
[Island|J2] Random Quote: * You were kicked from #apprentice by Cthulhu (How would you like it if a large trout slapped someone around with you?)
[ZivPropht] Unfortunately, Leroy also told the Drag Queen, who had informed me. When Leroy casts misdirect, I whip out FUB, and make him wish he was never born very very badly. I have covertly placed a wishing well behind him, so his wish comes true.
[ZivPropht] Check!
[ZivPropht] Mate!
[ZivPropht] good game *wipes sweat off brow*
[ETP] very good game
[ZivPropht] I will log it, and post it on BD.
[[-_-]] Random Quote -] #6 - [AxeMurder] roflikwabkimlk (Rolling on floor laughing in kitchen with a butter knife in my left kidney)
[ETP] heh
[ETP] cool

By Shadow (Shadow) on Friday, November 16, 2001 - 07:15 pm:

NOTE: Log is uncensored and largely undedited (I just replaced the angle-brackets with '['s. Probably contains a lot of spelling errors that arise naturally in written conversation.

Wow, FUB is so good, it transcends mtg and wins other games too!!!!

By ETP on Friday, November 16, 2001 - 07:17 pm:

looking back on this match i think my primary mistake was in allowing my king to travel through time instead of sending a lowly pawn. Furthermore, i think i should have killed Leroy in a love trist with a floozy he found at an airport bathroom stall.. and i forgot to use my rooks.

However, Shadow just played incredibly well and as he said, experience was the key to victory.

By Shadow (Shadow) on Saturday, November 17, 2001 - 01:37 am:

Grah. The only problem with moving messages is that it moves them to the bottom of the mill.


Maybe we'll "fix" that at some point

Add a Message

This is a public posting area. If you do not have an account, enter your full name into the "Username" box and leave the "Password" box empty. Your e-mail address is optional.