Relievin my mind

Beyond Dominia: The Rumor Mill: Relievin my mind

By AnOnYmOuS on Friday, February 01, 2002 - 07:34 pm:

It seems like some people have 2 sides to them. In life, there are those people that are always happy. They seem to be the exception to the rule. Of course, I have never been close with a constantly happy person so I cannot say this with any assurance. But I have noticed two faces to me. On one side, I am extremely greedy, and will sacrifice (some) of my morals to accommodate that. But on the other side, I try to be nice to people instead of coming off as an asshole, which is what most people perceive me as. I realize I have been being looked at as a hard ass by most people and have been trying to change that but it seems to be too far gone now. Only the people that know me know I am not a complete jerk off. Everyone else, I’m sure, has some opinion. But as to what that is, I am completely in the dark. I have (almost) no problem admitting that I have/will steal things, and this is completely shunned upon by the majority of the world, and that is expected. But they don’t look deeper; all they see is that I steal. What’s the hurt stealing from a crook? I won’t steal from girls, kids, poor people, mentally handicap people, anyone that’s in a similar situation as I, or anyone I see as a generally nice person. If you are making an effort to better yourself, I won’t steal from you. I won’t steal from people that I will be in constant contact with, regardless the nature of the person. I am VERY choosy as far as whom I steal from. Strictly crooks, no one else. And not even petty thieves, because I don’t really consider them to be a threat to society. What harm am I doing to society by giving criminals the same thing they give to innocent people? The only people I have stolen from have been outright, complete criminals. And i will never, ever hit a woman. The day I hit a girl is the day I put a gun in my mouth. And I can only remember calling a girl a bitch once, and I apologized almost immediately afterwards. But that is the side people don’t see to me, though. And that sucks because it is affecting me, one way or another. I never used to let what other people thought about me affect me; I used to just say “fuck em”. Now, I’m growing away from that attitude and trying to be nicer to people, and it is happening (in my eyes) but I am, like I said earlier, still in the dark as to peoples real opinions.


I wanna roll away with life, and get away from things, cuz the more I realize and the more I learn, the less appealing it all is. Everywhere you look, there’s death, there’s famine, there’s petty bullshit pitting entire races against each other. That’s not the way it’s meant to be. If it is, so be it. But it will just be something I will never agree with.
If people realized what they are contributing too each day, a lot of things would change. I’m more than sure problems would still exist, but on such a large scale? I doubt it. I’m guessing a lot of the problems that arise today are caused, in one way or another, by selfishness and greed. Sure, I am a very greedy person, but I am not nearly as selfish as a lot of assholes who are causing these problems. Everyday, thousands of people get laid off. Everyone thinks it’s because of a bad economy, and that is not a lie. But the people who order the jobs to be cut (the CEO’s and owners) most definitely have enough money to fall back on, even after a few months of losses. But they would (understandably) rather cut their “expenses” even though that may be that particular worker’s livelihood. How is he/she supposed to feed his/her kids now that he has no income? Meanwhile, that CEO is rolling around in a Bentley or Benz, and living in a multi-million dollar estate in the hills of California. Bullshit. There’s little kids selling drugs so they can feed themselves, there’s adults selling drugs to little kids. What’s up with that shit? Fuck this, I’m giving up stealing. I just realized how much bullshit I have added to this mess. The only people I stole from were criminals themselves, so I never really felt any remorse. I am not hurting society by stealing from crooks, but since I steal, that makes me a crook myself and thus open to the same theft I am condoning. That will just breed more criminals. It’s not just corporate corruption that makes me tick anymore, because I used to be like “business is business” and my mentality was “gotta get the money”. Now I realize how fucked up it is and I have this bad feeling because of things I used to condone. Now I realize why people think I am an asshole. It all makes perfect sense. While people were sitting there blatantly disagreeing with things that I should have known were wrong, I was getting my jollies off defending those same things. Its all hitting me now that I think about these things.

By meh on Friday, February 01, 2002 - 09:46 pm:

don't feel too bad. your whole life will be spent as a slave to someone or something that will make you do things you don't want to do.
life is slavery, and you do what's necessary to maintain sanity.

By Andy T. on Saturday, February 02, 2002 - 03:40 am:


By Shadow (Shadow) on Saturday, February 02, 2002 - 08:02 am:

It sounds to me like you have been doing some serious thinking about yourself, and I have to respect that. Far too many people never stop to consider why they behave a certain way, or whether they ought to do things differently. Self-examination is a very positive trait in my book.

You also sound a little jaded though. Yeah, there's a whole lot of shit in the world, but sometimes it helps the spirit (in a really non meta-physical sense) to forget about all of that for a few moments and look at teh other side of teh coin. There's a hell of a lot of ecstacy and beauty in the world too.

I sit out at my porch sometimes in the morning or late afternoon. In front of me are the blue ridge mountains, on one side a setting or rising sun, on the other side a city full of vivid life, and right behind me: home. At night I dance through the house sometimes, admiring the way the moonlight selectively illuminates this and that. And every now and then, I look around and see someone who's really making an effort to make themself into the person that they really want to be. With all this amazement, I wonder how I could ever let the dirt and turmoil of everyday life get to me, and I'm happy.

By   on Saturday, February 02, 2002 - 08:13 pm:

Life is a misnomer.

By Rico Jones, Elfman Extraordinaire (Rico) on Saturday, February 02, 2002 - 10:05 pm:

Well, I get in shitty moods sometimes too but then I just think about what life should be about (IMHO at least): raising kids. And if you aren't in a position to raise kids right now (most of us are though with siblings and whatnot) prepare for the opportunity.

You're right about the greed thing though but what can I say besides "It's just me against the world".

Maybe the kids thing is just me but.....whatever.

Cheers mate :)


By Paranoid Android on Sunday, February 03, 2002 - 10:30 pm:

The way I see things is that for every rape, for every loot, for every killing, for every sad thing in this world, there's the people who would volunteer to cook meals for the starving, there'll be that someone to dress up that wound, there'll be that kind soul who will threat that beggar to a meal, there'll be someone who will give you that smile, there'll be that someone who wakes up everyday and think " ah, another new day to contribute to the world". I hope that someone will someday be you. It's the small things that makes life more bearable and sane.

By Schmakt (Schmakt) on Monday, February 04, 2002 - 10:31 am:

Shadow, where are you from that the Blue Ridge are so close?
-jim in NC

By Shadow (Shadow) on Monday, February 04, 2002 - 07:34 pm:

Southwest VA (more or less). I can see the Peaks of Otter out my back window (or could, at least, before some trees grew up a bit high).

By AnOnYmOuS on Friday, February 15, 2002 - 09:40 pm:

sorry about the reply not coming faster, i have been away from net access because i've been grounded for some time.

i have been thinking a lot lately due to the amount of time being spent in my room, and i have come to the following conclusions:

1. i have been a prick to many, many people. i dont know what i can do about it now except change my ways, which i am doing. i just keep realizing that there are people who i have been an asshole to for no apparent reason. theres like 3 girls in one of my classes that i was an ass to for no apparent reason, and its killin me now cuz they, and their friends, think im some egotistical prick. thing is, i am not. and no matter how nice i am to them now, they still think of me as that prick. just one of example of how i fucked up. and its killin me, but what am i gonna do now?

2. i just have to be nice. nothin more about 'me gettin mine' cuz its not about that anymore. it can't be. i just want to be nice to people, and the people mentioned above, they wont be nice to me. it just wont bappen because i fucked up. i want to avoid things like that in the future. i dunno what it is but i dont want things like that to happen again. theres just so much regret i am feelin cuz of all this thinking. but like i said, it will only get better. thanks for the replies yall.

By General Talon on Friday, February 15, 2002 - 09:58 pm:

I also am a reformed thief, as well as a reformed Holy Sorcerer. The last thing I stole was a rare from the guy who stole all my cards, which I traded for a book. The last spell I cast was the one to destroy my knowledge of sorcery.
Life is for the living. You con't expect the rest of the world to give you any handouts, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't give any. If you are religious like I am you probably believe your suffering here will be repaid with kindness hereafter.
However my particular sin at the moment is my eternal doubt. Ever since said thief, formerly a close friend, betrayed my trust I've been unable to place it in anyone. For this I've lost many more friends and am now looked upon as a callous, cruel opportunist(not the kind that taps to damage creatures already dealt damage to this turn, the kind who extorts money from his girlfriend to make a profit.) and everyone has withdrawn from me. I have currently spent $78 more on Magic than I've made off it. The relentless pursuit of profits have made me appear more greedy than I ever was. I used to be able to console myself with, "Well at least I don't steal anymore. At least I'm not a sorcerer anymore. At least I don't go look at porn." But this no longer works because I realized that sin is sin and as long as am doubtful and greedy I am nothing in God's eyes. He no longer hears me. I can't claim to be a true Christian, and I am loth to say, "Well lots of people I know are worse than me" because I don't want to see more hypocrisy in the world tan there already is.
I am thankful for this post which lets me explain myself at last.
I have sinned. God will not forgive me as long as I continue to commit greed, lust, doubt, gluttony, sloth, apathy, copromise, hypocrisy, lying, and abuse of power, real or imagined. I can readily understand why I was denied the power I once sought. I would have ruined myself with it. It is said that absolute power corrupts absolutely. What happens when someone corrupted absolutely gets absolute power?

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